I get a lot of calls from people looking to submit demos. People looking to “get signed” or whatever, and I’ve learned a few things.

If you all of the sudden decide that your “crew” NEEDS to be heard by a major record label, and you make the utterly lame move of calling the label’s main number, here are a few rules you should follow.

1. Take the dick out of your mouth before calling.
ENUNCIATE. Especially if you are a rapper. RAPPERS SPECIALIZE IN WORDS. NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO SOME MEALY MOUTH FUCK MUMBLE ALL OVER HIS SHIT.

2. Don’t talk about how hot your shit is in Ratburg, PA.
The fact that three people at your local open mic “felt your shit” means nothing to me, I’m just a receptionist, don’t try and sell me. The only way I am going to help you is if you already ARE one of my favorite artists, making you either dead, the Talking Heads, or a Norwegian Satanist covered in corpse paint and bullet belts. Which you are not.

3. After I tell you NO, don’t ask me how to get started.
What will happen is I will humor you and stay on the phone much longer than you deserve (my Midwest “niceness”) and ramble at you about shit I know very very little about. This will just make you stupider. Just like reading my blog.

4. Use real names.
No more calls for people like “Greezy Crakk D”, or “Delicious”. These people have real fucking names, figure them out. “Crakk D” is not a last name listed in my directory. You are calling a major record label, not a chop shop or your bookie. In the words of Cedric the Entertainer, “I’m a grown ass man dogg, I’m not going to call another dude ‘Delicious’”.

5. If your 13 and you can sing, cute…But fuck you, get a lawyer.

I will be adding to this list, because I guarantee this shit will not end. My weekend was great. I spent it with an amazing girl, probably the coolest one anyone knows. We will call her “Awesome”. She drinks like a damn champ, plays golf, smokes cigs like crazy, she is BEAUTIFUL, keeps her body in impeccable shape, and is a master at hanging out. She came out, partied with me, and fucked my bones crooked all weekend. I would fall in love with this girl, seriously, but then I would lose a great friend to the utter pointlessness of relationships.

My job at work is to transfer phone calls. If i dont hit the transfer button before i dial the number I am transferring to, the caller will be able to hear me dial. Apparently, this dialing is terrifyingly loud and high pitched because sometimes i fuck up on hitting the button and I can hear them screaming in agony on the other end.

I’m so sick of people telling me “this is new York” like I don’t already fucking know.
A few examples:

Me: Yeah, I want to get a two bedroom place for around 1400 that’s close to the city and my job.
Friend: This is New York bro. That’s not going to happen.
–What the fuck?? I know where the fuck I am and it doesn’t mean I need to be miserable in the ass end of Brooklyn with a 3 hour commute to work. I’m from the Midwest but it doesn’t mean I’m a bumpkin who cant work “the interweb” to find a cheap place close to the city, which I already did.

Me: That guy looks like Andrew WK!
Stupid bitch girl: Andrew WK is like so five years ago. This is New York, we don’t talk about Andrew WK. I don’t know how you do it in Minnesota.
–What a cunt, location doesn’t change the fact that this fuck looked like Andrew WK’s dipshit cousin. I was ready to hit her in her hipster face.

Friend: Go hit on that girl, this is New York bro, you gotta be
aggressive.
–You have to be aggressive fucking everywhere. What am I supposed to do different because this is New York?? Stab her and take her wallet?

Me: Yeah when I was young I got really into Wrecx N Effect (haha yeah, I know)
Job Interviewer: Oh, you got that music all the way out there in Minnesota?? Wow.
–No, I only got to hear polka band renditions of “rumpshaker” while I fucked my cousins.

WOW I am angry. Haha, that’s the hangover talking. I feel better now that I vented. Gnarls Barkley was awesome. My big party is tonight, see you there.

In more “typical” Name Drop Acid (i.e., minor brushes with celebrity) fashion, I just found out I have to work the door at the MTV VMA afterparty in two weeks. I will keep you posted on this madness.