Since I am destructively hung over this morning (seems everyone I know works at bars and drinks on school nights) all I can think about is ways to get rid of this fucker. So I made a list. This could be helpful to you, as I have kind of become an expert on hangovers and getting rid of them.

Going to work: This is a terrible cure for a hangover. Worst idea ever, punch whoever suggests it squarely in the junk.

Ibuprofen. Little. Brown. Completely indistinguishable from anything else.

Ibuprofen: God’s gift to drunks, take A LOT more than is recommended. Not to be confused with aspirin, which will eat your stomach and then kill you.

Sex: Kind of helps, this is just because sex is awesome anyway. It gets the blood flowing though, which is a bad thing for a drunk with too much thin blood pounding through his eyeballs. Actually, yeah this is a beautiful cure, but only if she is on top and you lay there doing nothing (the way god intended).

I don’t know how this is relevant.

Bloody Marys: Genius. Best idea ever. Salt, booze, the ultimate combo. Gets you right back on the job. Unless you are in New York, this city cant make a bloody that doesn’t taste like match heads dissolved in asswater for some reason. Trust me, I’ve looked everywhere.

Greasy food: Helps, but don’t eat too much. A hangover’d persons natural inclination is to eat a lot, but the problem is that your stomach cant handle it, its already trying to figure out it’s ass from it’s elbow, so don’t make it work too hard.

Green tea: Not a bad idea because of the antioxidants…but keep in mind…you will be “that guy” who drinks green tea. Do it, but don’t tell anyone.

Sleep: Always the best way to get rid of the fucker, but not always possible.

Driving: nope.

Drinking more: Genius. Go for it.

Mimosa: Primarily drunk by chicks and assholes on yachts, but sometimes they are plum necessary.

See??? Assholes.

Coffee: I’ve never been a fan, but it works for some folks.

Smoking pot: Again, I know people who swear by it, but for me, I will still be hungover, the only difference is that “Anchorman” will seem funnier than it actually is.

Swimming: there’s nothing like waking up saturated with beer and stripper goo, walking outside, and falling face first into a pool. Usually this is only possible if you are in Mexico, a hotel, or own a kiddie pool.

Going to church: If your friends kicked your sloppy ass out of their house this morning, God isn’t going to want you in his either. Do not go, but if you have to, go through the communion line at least six times.

Yup, that’s about it….
So I am going to a quincenera (spelling?) party tonight for my roommate’s little sister. Its a sweet 15 party, but these bolivians take that shit seriously, shit is going to be like a wedding reception. There will also be booze, which will give me a chance to get oiled up and work on my Spanish.

Have a bad ass weekend. Especially on Sunday, when you can try the ultimate hangover cure: Watching football.

YO!

Just got a promotion. Im moving on up to the embattled position of “assistant” or “assistant assface” according to Ogre.

I will be working for the advertising director of an entirely different set of labels under our massive umbrella. More music, more money, hopefully more crazy shit. This is happening extremely fast. I was not supposed to move up for at least 8 months, and after only 3, I am on my way up.

Fuck, I get brief flashes of crisis as I feel I am growing up too fast, but Ive done the young guy shit. I went to college, drank my nuts off, got laid, duct taped 40’s to my hands, tea-bagged people, got tea-bagged, disregarded my responsibilities, all that shit. For five years. I would be stupid to not keep pushing as a “grown up”, and obviously I am doing something right.

So now, I am going to throw myself in even further, hustle even harder, thats what people do out here, hustle, look out for themselves, get theirs, make friends (or whatever “networking” is conisdered) get fucked up, and avoid burning bridges. This might turn me into more of an asshole, or less. Who knows. My stories might start to suck, or they might get better, who knows. I might meet more women, or less. Who knows.

HOWEVER, I have not had a night out to celebrate this new job shit, which is bugging me. This weekend im going for it. Hard.

I also fell in love the other day. My train was fucked up and it turned out i couldn’t get a train home, so this absolutely beautiful woman and I agreed to split a cab since we were going towards the same area. She had to have been about 36, and fucking gorgeous…foreign, spanish maybe. Anyway, this girl was older, mature, so my normal “buy shots and say offensive things” routine was not going to work. So I dusted off the ol’ charm. Turns out she worked in the media biz, made a shit ton of money, and retired early. Fuck. Now she just hangs out.

Ah fuck, i walked away with an email address. WHICH is better than nothing. I will keep you posted. Even if its five years from now, I will shower with this woman.

Ok, another shitty post. I am sorry, but hey.

Shit I need to get better at:

1. Remembering Names
2. High Fives
3. Updating This Thing
4. Fantasy football

Shit I dont need to get better at but want to practice anyway:

1. Cunnilingus

…thats it really

Shit I dont need to get better at:

1. Drinking
2. Obscure black metal
3. Big Lebowski References

My uncle and Dad were in town this weekend, and I have to tell you, if you ever want attention from women, bring your Dad and your loud ass uncle with you to the bar. It worked for me, I got my balls grabbed and made out with a girl based strictly on the fact that my family was in the room. I didn’t even do anything. I’ll take it.

“Yes sir, I will pass along the message that Madonna has stolen your songs and that anyone purporting to be her songwriter is a fraud.”

What else…
Go see the flaming lips live before you die.
I have word that there will be a full on kevlar vest rap feud one floor above my office in the near future.
My ex is a psycho hose beast.

Listen to more Devin the Dude.