It’s not a goddamn Wes Anderson film, but its hilarious. Seriously, lowered expectations can turn your life around. I loved watching this movie, even if my non-high brain got a little impatient at times. The plot was stupid, there was a forced loved interest, and not all the jokes were funny, but who gives a damn, I laughed. A lot. Mostly at all the random ass lines in the script…like…
Babs Merrick:If he pulls this one off, I’ll eat my own pussy.
Ben Selleck:Look, I may be old fashioned, but when a man tells me to wear my boner pants I wear my boner pants.
DJ Request: Nobody tells DJ Request what to play!
Dick Lewiston:I never cared much for Jews, queers, or fuckin’ Eskimos. It was just the way I was raised. Brent Gage: Is that it?
Dick Lewiston:Yeah! I thought we were opening up here!
Don Ready:I had to take my pants off and nibble my Old Spice down to three ounces just to get on the plane, Stacey! Stewardess Stacey:They made me throw out my mouthwash. Brent Gage:I had to give up my bath jellies. Babs Merrick:They made me breast feed some old man.
“They made me breast feed some old man”. Awesome. Actually most of the best lines in this movie come from Kathryn Hahn, who plays Babs.
So, it wasn’t the best movie ever, but I will say I only laughed about 5 percent more at The Hangover, and The Goods at least had the decency to skip the montages set to T.I. or Kanye or Wolfmother or whatever so they could fit in some more jokes. They might not have all landed, but I respect the effort.
In short, this movie deserves another chance, world. So while you are waiting to get The Hangover from Netflix, get ripped and watch The Goods, because I GUARANTEE there is no “short wait” on that one.
Even shorter, I am basically this kid… (at 1:48)
Thus concludes this whole damn experiment. Give this movie another chance y’allz. That means you, Joey.
My friend Tim is playing a show at Zebulon in Brooklyn on February 10th with his freak-jazz-funk group Hylofi. He made this commercial to promote it, and the last time I went to one of their shows it was a fuckin’ hoot. SO come out, and I will see you there. We drinks the beers.
The most sublime thing in the world to me is getting high and watching movies. If you are one of my co-workers, or my boss and you are reading this, I’m talking about watching movies in Denver.
Seriously, sitting down to a movie while faded out of your mind RULEZ (especially in a theater…that isn’t too crowded…where you have no chance of seeing anyone you know). You should try it. Just make sure you cite your source (me) because I’m pretty sure I came up with the whole thing.
The only problem with this little pastime is that my usually mediocre taste in movies gets downgraded to downright shitty taste. I once proclaimed Chris Rock’s Masterpiece Down To Earth to be the “Best Movie I’ve Ever Seen”…because it fuckin’ was (Ae can vouch for me) at the time. Because of my heightened sensitivities, I get WAY into things like plot (even bad plots) and character development, so when Chris Rock dies and goes to Joe-Mantegna-Heaven with Eugene Levy, I am right there with them… and going to heaven with Joe Mantegna and Eugene Levy is THE SHIT.
I usually have this issue with comedies (I almost left a theater because I was laughing too hard at the Don’t Mess With The Zohan trailer) but it also applies to intensely emotional and scary movies. Like the time I watched 21 Grams (ugh) and figured out THE WHOLE MEANING OF THE WORLD when Sean Penn asked at the end…
Sean Penn: “They say everyone loses exactly 21 Grams at the moment of death…the question is… how much is 21 Grams?”
Me: “Too Much.”
21 Grams is too much for the world to take! Someone needs to die to set the balance! Hey Mind, meet This Explosion, because you two are going to be friends for a long time.
Anyway, I’m either over-experiencing profound and intense movies (Oldboy, Devil’s Rejects, District 9) or laughing waaaaay too hard at not-very-good comedies (Down-To-Earth, Bio Dome, Slackers [although that one is debatable]). So I decided to put myself to a pretty strict test. My test subject would be The Goods – Live Fast Sell Hard. Check out the Red Band trailer below.
If the internets are to be believed, this movie is a total piece of shit. Metacritic has it at 39. Rotten Tomatoes has it at 26%. Most of the bad reviews complain about it being too broad, too long, and too weird with a shitty plot. So, Me being The Guy Who Digests All Kinds of Bullshit Criticism on the Internet and Then Regurgitates it as His Own…well, I went ahead and decided that this movie sucks and there was no reason to watch it.
Then I got stoned and watched it with my friend (name redacted – lets call him “Boner Pants”), who is basically the King of Movies. Seriously, he knows Uncle Buck by heart and teaches classes based around Koyaanisqatsi. Thats really all you need to know.
I had a severe moment of crisis in my high-ass brain. THE WORLD WAS WRONG, more importantly THE INTERNET WAS WRONG. This movie was fucking hilarious. 5 minutes in, I was laughing my face off, and before long Boner Pants and I were rewinding hilarious lines, making the movie even longer. There was a plot, but we didn’t care…and I did manage to see the movie for what it was…a small room full of a bunch of hilarious actors riffing off one another. It was the Soul Plane of movies. Sure it didn’t always work, but when it did, it was amazing. And, (the trailer captures a little of this) it was also BATSHIT CRAZY. Full of non sequitirs and random outbursts of violence and complete insanity. It was like a 90 minute Monty Python sketch.
“I googled it, it says you fuckin blow.”
Anyway, I could be wrong, but I am this close to declaring The Goods – Live Hard Sell Hard as the Citizen Kane of high-person movies. Before I do that though, I’m going to watch it tonight, stone sober, with my girlfriend. We both have wicked colds, so the only medication will be cough medicine and airborne, but I will consider myself sober, so I can see if this movie actually does suck and my high ass brain didn’t realize it…meaning I would watch any movie and think it was great.
The lesson we can learn though is this. Movie reviewers aren’t you, and you should not trust them. Make your own opinions (Dur). Unless they are talking about Legion. That movie fucking sucked.